Muslim Marriages, wedding Officiant

November 30, 2018

About 40% of men and women in the United States marry outside their faith. That is a Muslim, Hindu, Christian, Jewish or the other will chose to marry a man or a woman from the other faith.  Let me make the statement more accurate, they don’t choose to marry the person from other faith, but the person they fall in love with happens to be from the other faith.

Love knows no bounds, who you fall in love with, why you fall in love with someone is not a science. There is no rhyme or reason to it.

The Great Urdu poet, Mirza Ghalib occupies a prime spot in the world of poetry.  There is not an aspect of life he has not written a poem about, particularly about love and romance.

ishq par zor nahīñ hai ye vo ātish 'ġhālib' 
ki lagā.e na lage aur bujhā.e na bane

Simply put, you don’t choose to fall in love with a person because he or she meets your criteria of beauty, wisdom or wealth.

You fall in love because you like the way he laughs or she turns her head, the way she looks at you or the way he smiles at you.  Love simply descends upon you, even before you know it.

God in the Quran, 30:21, says, “And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your hearts. Verily in that are signs for those who reflect.”

Marriage is indeed an expression of a commitment to a relationship between two individuals.  The men and women who take the bold step to become one regardless of their origins, faiths, races, and ethnicity must be applauded. They are setting an example of how-to live-in harmony despite their differences.

When you hear a Muslim woman cannot marry a non-Muslim, or a Jewish or Hindu woman should not marry a person from other faiths, what they are saying is that they want to keep their loved ones within their fold, their tent. Nothing wrong with that! It works for them.  However, it is not a religious expression, it is a patriarchal and cultural idea. When we live in a society where we interact with people of different faiths, we have to enlarge our tent to accommodate the universe.  

I would urge you to read this thoroughly written article – Can a Muslim Woman marry a Non-Muslim man? Indeed, that is the problem with men of all religions including Islam, Hinduism, Judaism, Christianity, Sikh, and even Baha'i faith. One of the Rabbi’s told me that the article holds good for Jewish tradition as well.  The article is at http://interfaithmarriages.org/can-a-muslim-woman-marry-a-non-muslim-man/

I am blessed to have officiated secular ceremonies for a few, and religious ceremonies for Jewish-Christian, Hindu-Christian, Bahai-Jewish, Hindu-Jewish, Atheist-Jain, and several other combinations. Being a Muslim, I am pleased to have officiated weddings for Muslims in a variety of combinations; Muslim-Christian, Muslim-Jewish, Muslim-Hindu, Muslim-Mormon, Muslim-Sikh, Muslim-Jain, Muslim-Buddhist and Muslim and an Atheist.

Please visit the site: www.InterfaithMarriages.org

Mike Ghouse, Wedding Officiant
Contact: Mike@Interfaithmarriages.org

I am delighted to see this position and pleased to submit my profile, and an additional profile 60-page document of accomplishments are at https://www.linkedin.com/in/mikeghouse  and my Mission Accomplished - http://www.theghousediary.com/mission-accomplished/
www.InterfaithMarriages.org | www.WorldMuslimCongress.org | www.MuslimSpeaker.com | www.CenterforPluralism.com

Interfaith Marriages - Lynslei weds Adam

LYNSLEI WEDS ADAM ON JAN 1, 2018

January 1, 2018, Washington, DC – Dr. Mike Ghouse officiated the wedding ceremony today, and this is the first interfaith wedding of the year. Mike has been officiating the interfaith weddings for the last eight years and is a licensed interfaith wedding officiant in the United States.

When people find it difficult to listen to each other, let alone understand each other, Adam and Lynslei are setting a new standard – that of respecting the otherness of the other and accepting the God given uniqueness of each other. They will be showing us the way, in effect they are saying, “look we are different, but yet we are determined to create harmony.”

Lynslei’s faith of Islam brings the values of equality and dignity to the relationship, whereas Adam’s Christian tradition has taught him forgiveness, repentance and unconditional love in marriage.

How sweet it is, that these two traditions will bring fullness to their relationship, with values from Christian and Muslims traditions.

When two people fall in love with each other, Marriage is the most important milestone of that relationship, and it is the biggest event of their life and must be celebrated and cheered by one and all.

Indeed, the Holy Quran says, God has created all species in pairs and has made one for the other, and he puts love between two souls which brings them together. And as that union takes place, God is the happiest. God is about harmony and marriage is a step to bring harmony between two people. Indeed, they are very patriotic Americans; they are contributing the idea of one nation under God by coming together.

Mike has officiated a range of weddings between people of different faiths including Atheists in a secular marriage. Wedding Sermons are customized to reflect the faiths of the individuals. More about it at www.InterfaithMarriages.org

Mike is a Community consultant actively engaged in research and activism and offers pluralistic solutions on issues of the day. He will continue to focus his energies on ensuring a safe and secure America for all, where no one has to worry about his race, faith, ethnicity or other God-given uniqueness and live his/her life without apprehensions.

Mike Ghouse
www.InterfaithMarriages.org
Mike@InterfaithMarriages.org
Wedding Officiant

Welcome to Interfaith Marriages

Marriage is indeed an expression of a commitment to the relationship between two individuals.  The men and women who take the bold step to become one regardless of their origins, faiths, races and ethnicities must be applauded. They are setting an example of how to live in harmony.

What is it that God really wants? He wants nothing more than harmony in his creation. Because he created everything in balance he expects us to preserve it or restore it when it is off.

The following (one) paragraph is applicable to Muslims, and Muslim women in particular.

Can a Muslim woman marry a non-Muslim man?
It is a 1400 year old question and I have prepared an extensive well referenced response to it. When we separate culture from religion we see the point.  I am passing it through a few Muslim Scholars – not to agree but to critique and develop it further. God loves harmony and says that he has created couples and has filled their hearts with love for each other.

Look at the universe, everything is programmed precisely! The moon revolves around the earth and the earth goes around the sun decisively. The seasons are programmed and the plants and animals have a determined cycle of birth and death. Within the human body, different organs work cohesively for a normal functioning (with of course built in anomalies) of the body. However, he did not program us how to relate with each other and live with each other. He gave us complete freedom to chart our own course of harmony with the other.  God is happiest when two people can rise above their differences and live in harmony.

Interfaith marriages are becoming the new norm of the society. In a few years one out of two marriages would be of interfaith. Yes, this is across the board, whether you are a Muslim, Jew, Hindu, Christian, Sikh, Baha’i or the other. According to the Pew survey, 40% of people of faiths will be marrying a person of another faith, it is higher among Jews, its 50%.

I am blessed to have officiated ceremonies for Jewish-Christian, Hindu-Christian, Bahai-Jewish, Hindu-Jewish, Atheist-Jain, and several other combinations. Being a Muslim, I am pleased to have officiated weddings for Muslims in a variety of combinations; Muslim-Christian,  Muslim-Jewish, Muslim-Hindu, Muslim-Mormon, Muslim-Sikh, Muslim-Jain, Muslim-Buddhist and Muslim and an Atheist.

HOW DOES IT WORK?

• Initial conversation with wedding Officiant.
• The Bride and Groom express their desire to get married out of free will.
• A conversation about the differences and how they would handle.
• The Bride/ Groom can share a part of their social, religious or cultural tradition
• The Bride and Groom can create their own new tradition or enhance the existing one
• A draft outline of the ceremony will be prepared by the Officiant.
• The bride and groom will review and modify the outlines to suit their wants and needs.
• Officiant will perform the wedding ceremony per agreed outline.
• Wedding will start on time and close on time.

THE CEREMONY

The Ceremony will be based on the process worked out between the couple and the officiant.

1. Interfaith greetings to include people of different faith traditions
2. Appreciating the bold steps the bride and groom have taken to respect the otherness of other
3. Acceptance of each other as his/her spouse
4. Exchange of Rings
5. Pronouncement as husband and wife
6. Signing the marriage registration papers
7. A short customized Sermon to fit the tradition(s) chosen by the Bridge and Groom
8. Prayer ( again from one or two traditions)
9. Other rituals
   1. Sand ceremony
   2. Hand Holding
   3. Vows
   4. Personalized one
   5. Others

The marriage is between two individuals and the family’s support and cheers are important.  I will be happy to talk with parents or guardians, if they are reluctant.

DISAPPOINTMENTS

It is disappointing to the potential brides and grooms that their clergy or a parent invariably insists on the other person to convert to their faith tradition, some do, and some fake it and some are not comfortable with the idea at all.

When a couple is deeply committed to marry, they go ahead and get married any way but sorely miss out on the ceremony. Over the years, I have seen too many couples miss out on the joy of that additional sense of completeness that comes with a religious ceremony. Marriage is between two individuals, and their families and friends ought to be supporters and cheerleaders to celebrate and complete their joy.

As a Pluralist, I have chosen to officiate the weddings of such couples to reflect the essence of Bride and Groom’s religious and cultural traditions. I laud such couples who embrace genuine humanity by respecting the otherness of other, and accepting each other’s uniqueness. If the couple prefers to give that little extra joy to the religiosity of their parents, relatives and friends, the sermon would include reflections and essence of the faiths of the couple.

I am blessed to have performed some uniquely beautiful combination of weddings; Jewish Bride and a Christian groom; Muslim bride and Jain groom, Hindu Bride and Muslim groom, Christians Bride and Atheist groom….. it was such a joy to see their families cheer at the end.

God is nothing but the cause that created everything we see, feel, smell, think, see and enjoy. People of religion call him by various names and those who do not subscribe to the idea of God don’t have to call anything.

——

Mike Ghouse is a member of the American Marriage Ministries, a non-profit established in Washington State in 2009.

“We provide all people the ability to celebrate marriage and other religious functions according to their beliefs. We believe that this is an innate human right and is also protected by the 1st Amendment. Our values come from the understanding that all people, whether religious or not, have deep personal values and should be treated with respect, acceptance, and understanding.”

Marriage is a celebration that brings people together, and we want to extend that ethos further by being a church comprised of a wide cross-section of people that have found common ground in the service of bringing people together.

To begin, the legal dimension to officiating a wedding simply involves completing a piece of paper, the marriage license. The marriage license is the legal document of marriage. It is filed for by the couple from their local government prior to the wedding.

The role of the minister is to conduct the wedding, have the couple present their marriage license, make sure that the information is correct, and complete the license. The couple then returns the completed license back to its office of issuance.

Personally, Mike is committed to building a Cohesive America and offers pluralistic solutions on issues of the day. He is a professional speaker, thinker and a writer on pluralism, interfaith, politics and civic affairs.

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The Creator* has created everything in balance and harmony,  and every element of the universe is interconnected and interdependent. Chief Seattle, a Native American said this perfectly, “All things are connected. Whatever befalls the earth befalls the sons of the earth. Man did not weave the web of life; he is merely a strand in it. Whatever he does to the web, he does it to himself.”

What does God want? He wants to see that his creation remains intact and functions smoothly. He has programmed the moon to go around the earth in unbelievable precision, and the earth has been going around the Sun for millions of years. The change of seasons, the power of light, and the need for darkness is all programmed and works together.

Even the human (or animal) body functions cohesively, each organ plays its part for the normal functioning of the body. However what is not programmed is our attitudes and behavior.  Each one of us is unique with our own thumb print, eye print, taste buds and DNA, and that uniqueness creates conflict in three areas; one’s space, sustenance and nurturence.

God loves us, like a mother loves her children, teacher loves her students, and as a chef loves his patrons,  he gives us the guidance (religion or common sense) to restore that equilibrium, that is all he wants and nothing more.

—

Marriage

God loves harmony between humans and his creation, and marriage enhances that harmony. Some day we may find out what attracts a man to a woman or vice-versa, like a magnet two individuals come together to be one with each other.  Religion, region or race become secondary when two people fall in love with each other. This is what God loves, two people becoming a source of harmony and happiness to each other.

Mike is a frequent guest on Sean Hannity show on Fox TV, and a commentator on national radio networks, he contributes weekly to the Texas Faith Column at Dallas Morning News and regularly at Huffington post, and several periodicals across the world. The blog www.TheGhousediary.com is updated daily. Two books are poised to be released this year on Pluralism in America, and Americans Together building a cohesive America. Details at www.MikeGhouse.net

Muslim woman marrying non-Muslims

I've an article pending for nearly two years, and it's written in identical language to this piece by Dr. Khaled Abou El Fadl.  Now that, I've read this, I'll have to acknowledge similarities when I publish my piece. 

I see Islam as a system to build cohesive societies,  where all religions equally perform the task of creating such societies. In that larger context, and in reference to the word Ummah used originally to mean 'all',  interfaith marriages fall under the larger umbrella of humanity, which Islam calls 'Aalameen.' Let me reiterate, God is rabbul Aalameen (creator of the Universe) , prophet is Rahmatul Aalameen (Mercy to everything that exists in that universe; people and environment)  and we should rise above our pigeon holes and become muklooqul Aalameen ( Universal beings) with no barriers. We have to overcome the soft barriers between one human and the other, marriage between two different individuals is the best anti-dote to conflicts, they set the example, and establish new standards in respecting the otherness of others and accepting the God given uniqueness of each one to create the cohesive universe that God wills for us to work on.

Requesting others to see your point of view is always a necessity, but there shall be no compulsion, and the best way to move forward is respecting the otherness of others, which is the essence of Sura Kafirun- here is my understanding of the chapter.  http://quraan-today.blogspot.com/2008/07/sura-kafirun-un-believers.html and here is another video on Pluralism in Islam - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b7Tyt7raIXM

Mike Ghouse
Interfaith wedding officiant
Washington, DC
(214) 325-1916

LETTER 1 of 2

As-Salaam-Alaikum:

I don't mean to bother you but this is disturbing my mind and I need an educated explanation.

I was at a Muslim Sister's Fashion Show (predominately African American sisters) when during casual conversation a young sister (mid 20s) stated that her husband is Christian. This as you can image created quite a stir. She was immediately verbally attacked. She tried to defend herself by saying that he did not prohibit her from practicing Islam and he has agreed that the children will be Muslim. She was advised to divorce him.

I don't know if they were married and she converted or if she was already Muslim when they married. She was under such a heavy attack that I could not get that question in. However this issue is one that I need to understand because I can't adequately explain why there is a prohibition for the Muslim female in marrying from the people of the book and there is no prohibition for the Muslim male. More often than not I hear all non Muslims classified as kufar.

The only explanation I can provide is that the Quran specifies that the male can marry a Christian or Jewish woman. Since he is the head of the household the expectation is that he will respect her rights and the children will take his religion. Really in actuality from what I've seen this is not the case. The woman has so much pressure put on her to abandon her beliefs that she eventually gives in or gets out of the marriage.

I have been asked does the Quran specifically prohibit the Muslim woman from marrying a Christian or Jewish male. My understanding is the only specific prohibition is for polytheist. Am I wrong?

This is a big issue for African Americans especially because of the rate of conversion. There are instances where the husband converts and the wife does not. This is not seen as a problem. However there are instances where the wife converts and the husband does not. It doesn't matter whether they have been together 2 years or 20 years, the advice the sister receives is to divorce him.

Then there are the cases of sisters whose preference is to marry within their race but there are not enough suitable African American Muslim men at least in this city. They resign themselves to being celibate forever.

When I say suitable African American Muslim men, I mean those who are knowledgeable about the Deen and truly strive to practice it, those who have truly accepted the role and responsibilities of the Muslim male and do not demand that the woman provide more financially for them than they provide for her, those who are not extremist, those who have not been married and divorced 3, 4 or 5 times with children all over the place, those who are not trying to have several wives when they can't afford to take care of one, etc. This is airing dirty laundry but so be it, this is our harsh reality.

[Name withheld for privacy]

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Al-salamu 'alaykum sister:

First I should apologize for the long time it has taken me to respond to your message. As you might have heard, I have been rather ill. But on a happier note, recently we were blessed with a wonderful baby boy.

But I should confess that there is another reason for the delay. This is a difficult issue to deal with. I did receive a large number of inquiries about this same issue, and I have tended to avoid responding to them because I am not exactly very excited about handling this weighty and serious problem.

Surprising to me, all schools of thought prohibited a Muslim woman from marrying a man who is a kitabi (among the people of the book). I am not aware of a single dissenting opinion on this, which is rather unusual for Islamic jurisprudence because Muslim jurists often disagreed on many issues, but this is not one of them.

All jurists agreed that a Muslim man or woman may not marry a mushrik [one who associates partners with God--there is a complex and multi-layered discourse on who is to be considered a mushrik, but we will leave this for a separate discussion]. However, because of al-Ma'ida verse 5, there is an exception in the case of a Muslim man marrying a kitabiyya. There is no express prohibition in the Qur'an or elsewhere about a Muslim woman marrying a kitabi. However, the jurists argued that since express permission was given to men, by implication women must be prohibited from doing the same. The argument goes: If men needed to be given express permission to marry a kitabiyya, women needed to be given express permission as well, but since they were not given any such permission then they must be barred from marrying a kitabi.

The justification for this rule was two-fold: 1) Technically, children are given the religion of their father, and so legally speaking, the offspring of a union between a Muslim male and a kitabiyya would still be Muslim; 2)It was argued that Muslim men are Islamically prohibited from forcing their wives to become Muslim. Religious coercion is prohibited in Islam. However, in Christianity and Judaism a similar prohibition against coercion does not exist. According to their own religious law, Muslim jurists argued, Christian men may force their Muslim wives to convert to their (the husbands') religion. Put differently, it was argued, Islam recognizes Christianity and Judaism as valid religions, but Judaism and Christianity do not recognize the validity of Islam as a religion. Since it was assumed that the man is the stronger party in a marriage, it was argued that Christian and Jewish men will be able to compel their Muslim wives to abandon Islam. (If a Muslim man would do the same, he would be violating Islamic law and committing a grave sin).

Importantly, the Hanafi, Maliki, and Shafi'i jurists held that it is reprehensible (makruh) for Muslim men to marry a kitabiyya if they live in non-Muslim countries. They argued that in non-Muslim countries, mothers will be able to influence the children the most. Therefore, there is a high likelihood that the children will not grow up to be good Muslims unless both parents are Muslim. Some jurists even went as far as saying that Muslim men are prohibited from marrying a kitabiyya if they live in non-Muslim countries.

This is the law as it exists or the legal legacy as we inherited it. In all honesty, personally, I am not convinced that the evidence prohibiting Muslim women from marrying a kitabi is very strong. Muslim jurists took a very strong position on this matter--many of them going as far as saying if a Muslim woman marries a kitabi she is as good as an apostate. I think, and God knows best, that this position is not reasonable and the evidence supporting it is not very strong. However, I must confess that in my humble opinion, I strongly sympathize with the jurists that argued that in non-Muslim countries it is reprehensible (makruh) for a Muslim to marry a non-Muslim. God knows best--I have reached this position after observing that the children of these Muslim/non-Muslim marriages in most cases do not grow up with a strong sense of their Islamic identity. It seems to me that in countries like the U.S. it is best for the children if they grow up with a Muslim father and mother. I am not comfortable telling a Muslim woman marrying a kitabi that she is committing a grave sin and that she must terminate her marriage immediately. I do tell such a woman that she should know that by being married to a kitabi that she is acting against the weight of the consensus; I tell her what the evidence is; and then I tell her my own ijtihad on the matter (that it is makruh for both men and women in non-Muslim countries). After telling her all of this, I add that she must always remember that only God knows best; that she should reflect on the matter as hard as she can; then she should pray and plead for guidance from God; and then ultimately she must do what her conscience dictates.

I hope this response helps answer your question. I pray to God to guide us both to what He pleases and wants, and that He helps the sister you wrote me about to find peace and tranquility with whatever decision she makes. God is the best guide and mentor--may He forgive our sins and bless us with His Compassion and Mercy.

With my sincere regards,

Shaykh Khaled Abou El Fadl

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LETTER 2 of 2

Good Evening, Sheikh:

I'm a 23-year old Muslim woman living in the U.S. I have a question regarding my relationship with a man I love after reading your post about the Christian Man and Muslim Woman post.

Here's a little background first: The man I love was born to a Muslim father and a Jewish mother. The father left when he was 1 year old and returned to his home country. He was raised by his mother and so, he was raised Jewish. He even changed his last name from his fathers last name to his mothers. Both of my parents are Muslim. Me and this man would like to get married in the coming years but we're facing a lot of pushback, mostly from my father. Obviously my father wants us to have a proper Muslim marriage but being that he is Jewish, my parents think that no sheikh will want to marry us. I've asked a sheikh before and his advice was to move on and forget this chapter of my life. How can I move on and forget the love of my life just because his father decided to leave? He could have very well stayed and this man would have been a Muslim. So because of his Muslim fathers irresponsible actions, we can't be happy ? I just need an answer to this question: how can I marry this man in a halal way? We both believe in one God and we're both good people who do right by others and our parents. I wouldn't ask him to convert, not only is coercion wrong in our religion but I also would not want him to lose the woman who raised him as a single mother.

Please advise. Thanks.

(Name Withheld for Privacy)

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Dear Sister,

Al-salamu 'alaykum. Since I do not know you personally, most of what I have to say I have said in this statement: http://www.scholarofthehouse.org/oninma.html.

But to be directly responsive to your question, do I believe that a woman who marries outside of the Muslim faith is a kafir? The answer is no, I do not. Do I believe that it is advisable to marry someone outside the faith? No, I do not. In religious terms, it is among the issues that I would consider makruh (disfavored) for both Muslim men and Muslim women. This is based on a sociological reality that children who grow up with parents not sharing the same faith grow up in a state of confusion, which they resolve often by being faithless. Or if they have any faith, it tends to simply be agnostic. In my over 30 years in the West, working in case after case, all stories begin with love, dreams, and high hopes. Ten, twenty, thirty years later, from my experience and the experience of so many that I have dealt with, the ending is not happy.

There is a quintessential and fundamental question that every man and woman should ask himself/herself. Personally, I cannot be married to someone with whom I cannot pray, fast, celebrate Eid, and perform all my other religious duties. My faith is of such importance to me that I must be able to share it with my partner. In a marriage, you share your body, money, heart, and perhaps your soul. The question you must ask yourself is: Is religion less important or more important to you than all of these things? To me, Islam and its practices are more basic and fundamental than my money, body, heart, or soul. I cherish it more than these things. If I am married to someone with whom I cannot share what I hold the dearest, I feel that I am cheating them, and that the relationship is superficial and insincere. Add to this the position in which the children will be placed as they try to navigate the issues of truth and lack thereof in our modern world.

The only advice I can give you is to ask yourself what role does your faith play in your life? Will you be happy if you are unable to submit to God with your partner according to the teachings of Islam? And how important is it to you that your children are raised firm in their conviction about prayer, fasting, the shahada, and all the other essentials of the faith? Only you can provide the necessary honesty in responding to these questions. When all is said and done, whatever your decision is, I sincerely pray with all my heart that Allah blesses you, aids you, guides you, and that you have success and happiness in your life. And when all is said and done, it is only Allah that can judge you, your intentions and your actions. As is my firm conviction, only Allah knows best.

Al-salamu 'alaykum wa rahmatu Allah,

Shaykh Khaled Abou El Fadl