Interfaith Marriages on rise in the United States

Nearly 45% of Marriages in the United States are interfaith – that is two people from different faiths choosing to marry each other.

It is disappointing to many a religiously oriented first-time marrying couples, when their clergy or a parent invariably insists that the other person to convert to their faith tradition, some do, and some fake it and some are not comfortable with the idea at all.

When a couple is deeply committed to marry, they go ahead and get married any way but sorely miss out on the ceremony. Over the years, I have seen too many couples miss out on the joy of that additional sense of completeness that comes with a religious ceremony. Marriage is between two individuals, and their families and friends ought to be supporters and cheerleaders to celebrate and complete their joy.

As a Pluralist, I have chosen to officiate the weddings of such couples to reflect the essence of Bride and Groom's tradition. I laud such couples who embrace genuine humanity by respecting the otherness of other, and accepting each other's uniqueness. If the couple prefers to please the religiosity of their parents, relatives and friends, the sermon would include reflections and essence of the faith of the couple.

Kelvin Stile writes, “Interfaith marriages are symbol of tolerant societies. This century has witnessed a rapid growth in interfaith marriages. There are more interfaith couples today than they were in the previous century. The statistics say that there were 20% interfaith couples before 1960 which has grown into 45% only in the first ten years of this century.

America is one of the leading countries with a higher number of interfaith couples in the world. According to a 2010 survey conducted among 2450 Americans, Jews has the highest rate of interfaith marriages followed by the Muslims and Mormons. This shows a growing religious tolerance in American society.”

Nearly 50% of Jewish marriages are interfaith, followed by Muslims 40% and Mormons 34% and Hindus about 10%.

The fastest growing group among Americans is NONES – that is people who do not proclaim a religious affiliation or identity with any group. They are spiritual, meaning they believe in the power of a higher energy that has created a perfect perpetual self balancing system. They have no problem with any religion, but prefer not to follow any one.

Please visit http://InterfaithMarriages.blogspot.com  for more information.  

Dr. Mike Ghouse is a community consultant, social scientist, thinker, writer, news maker, Interfaith Wedding officiant, and a speaker on Pluralism, Interfaith, Islam, politics, terrorism, human rights, India, Israel-Palestine, motivation, and foreign policy. He is committed to building cohesive societies and offers pluralistic solutions on issues of the day. Visit him (63 links) at www.MikeGhouse.net and www.TheGhousediary.com for his exclusive writings.

Good Parenting and Interfaith marriages

Good parenting and interfaith marriages |http://interfaithmarriages.blogspot.com 

Once your kids turn 18, you would know if you have failed or succeeded as a parent. I am pleased to share the two sides of the coin.

On Friday the 18^th day of March 2016, it was a joy to officiate an interfaith marriage between a Muslim bride and a Mormon groom.  What transpired there was a joyful union of not only of the man and the woman but of their families.  I am pleased to share a few good things after the ceremony. I hope some of you can relate with it, and some rejoice it knowing that there are so many great parents out there.

Some of the most beautiful moments of the weddings that I cherish were; the statement made by bride’s father, "My daughter took complete charge of this ceremony; it's all her planning." He was very proud of the fact that his little daughter is so capable. The Mother of the Bride on the other hand was standing quietly and admiring her daughter’s freedom and independence.  I wish I had taken her picture, she was standing right in front me absorbed in her daughters happiness.  The Grooms parents acknowledged how they have raised their son to be open minded about fellow humans. Of course I can relate with his faith, one of my best friends was a Mormon. Groom’s mother was serenely happy and the father felt proud of seeing his son making a great choice.

This is the ultimate achievement of good parenting that your kids are independent and are ready to live their lives on their own terms. When you off spring becomes free, it is the ultimate in joy!

On the other hand, if your kids fear you, you are missing the beauty of the relationship, but don't lose hope, you can start the process of restoring the relationship now.

In one of the interfaith weddings I officiated a few years ago, a Christian man turned Atheist was marrying a Hindu girl, and his parents had disowned him and did not want to talk with him unless the girl is converted. (Conservatism is a part of every religion).  It took some counseling and the father agreed that he will attend the wedding ceremony if I call on Jesus as witness, and groom agreed to live with it.  After all that is the whole purpose of interfaith marriage ceremony, to give a semblance of their faith in the sermon.  After the ceremony, the father who was standing aloof in the corner, walked up to me and gave a big hug and joined his kids in the celebrations. Thank God, the tenseness between the families evaporated.

You may consider watching the movie “2 States” with English subtitles; it is one of the finest Bollywood movies made about a tyrant father restoring his relationships with his son. However the main plot of the movie is humor that comes with inter-ethnic marriages.
 

Good parenting involves a good relationship. Here is the litmus test; If your kids are excited to share their story or talk with you without fear, you are a damn good parent, and you are blessed with the relationship to cherish for a life time.

Discipline yes, punishment no.

I never spanked or screamed at my kids, there was no need for it, but, I am glad their mother gave them the discipline while freedom was my thing.

It tears me apart when a few men shout at their kids, let alone beat them up. What a shame it is, they are incapable of respecting their own offspring, what will they respect then?

One of the greatest lessons I have learned from my ex-wife was to keep love to discipline ratio to be above 4: 1, that is, give them love and hug four times before a disciplinary command. It worked well for me even though I was a failed disciplinarian, I just couldn't be tough, particularly with my girl, when she responded with Yes Sirs, nor was it with my boy, I could not stand humiliation on his face.  Now, as a Grandfather I watch him deal with his little son, and what a joy it is for me that he treats his kid with patience, logic and reason, and the little sucker responds to him, just like he did with me. I am all smiles.

A few men have the arrogance to believe, that, unless you scream and frighten your kids, they don't learn, that is baloney!  Imagine working for a boss who screams at you, thank God that is a disappearing breed now. I had one like that in India.

What is the need to control kids?  Instead you ought to think about these to restore your relationship with your family members; 

Take the pledge!

"Let them be who they are"
"Let me get out of their way"
"Let me shed my arrogance to teach them"
"Let them make mistakes and correct themselves"
"Let them be independent"
"Let them make their own decision”
“Let me be a good listener to my kids”
“Let me not interrupt them while they are talking”
“Let me believe them when they say even the most outrageous things”
“Let me be their friend”

It is never too late, both the parent and the kids desire, want, and seek this, take the first step and enjoy the relationship with your family members.

Dr. Mike Ghouse is a community consultant, social scientist, thinker, writer, news maker, Interfaith Wedding officiant, and a speaker on Pluralism, Interfaith, Islam, politics, terrorism, human rights, India, Israel-Palestine, motivation, and foreign policy. He is committed to building cohesive societies and offers pluralistic solutions on issues of the day. Visit him (63 links) at www.MikeGhouse.net and www.TheGhousediary.com for his exclusive writings. 

Mixed marriages are changing the way we think about our race

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Mixed marriages are changing the way we think about our race
Courtesy - Washington Post

By Jeff Guo February 17  

Actress Aubrey Plaza attends the 20th Annual Art Directors Guild Excellence In Production Design Awards held at the Beverly Hilton Hotel on Sunday, Jan. 31, 2016, in Beverly Hills, Calif. (Photo by Richard Shotwell/Invision/AP)

For all the talk about immigrants refusing to embrace American ways — a defining controversy of this GOP presidential race — the evidence has been scant.

The National Academies of Sciences deflated most of the myths in a definitive report last year. Today’s immigrants are more educated and better English speakers than their predecessors, and they are far less likely to commit a crime compared to the native-born. They are quickly becoming part of American communities.

In fact, new immigrants may be assimilating a lot faster than than we had ever thought. A new study this week from economists Brian Duncan, of the University of Colorado, and Stephen Trejo of University of Texas, Austin finds that the descendents of immigrants from Latin-American and Asian countries quickly cease to identify as Hispanic or Asian on government surveys.

According to the authors, these are mostly children of interracial couples that aren’t writing down their diverse heritages. Mixed marriages are increasingly common in America — Pew finds that about 26 percent of Hispanics marry a non-Hispanic these days, and 28 percent of Asians marry a non-Asian. To accommodate this trend, government surveys now allow you to check multiple boxes for your race and ethnicity.

But it turns out that many aren’t doing that.

The report from Duncan and Trejo has two major consequences. First, it casts some doubt on the government's projections of the future Hispanic and Asian populations. Famously, the Census Bureau has predicted that non-Hispanic whites will become outnumbered in America by as early as 2044. But as Pewhas pointed out, these calculations don’t take into account trends in how the children of mixed marriages report their own race. A fair fraction of people with Asian or Hispanic heritage actually consider themselves exclusively white (or black).

Second, the report may cause us to reconsider what we think we know about Hispanics and Asians. A lot of social science research relies on people to disclose their own racial and ethnic identities. If people who are part-Asian or part-Hispanic stop identifying that way, they, in a way, disappear from the statistics. What we think we know about Hispanics, for instance, may be wrong because a lot of people with Hispanic heritage don't consider themselves Hispanic.

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Duncan and Trejo focused on the Current Population Survey, a monthly study of American households that supplies much of what we know about earnings and employment in America. For instance, the CPS is what helps the government calculate the unemployment rate, and it provides data for reportson, say, the racial wage gap.

The CPS contains a number of questions about heritage. People are asked for their race, their ethnicity, where they were born, and where their parents were born. Using this information, Duncan and Trejo analyzed how first- and second-generation immigrants from certain countries self-identified.

They looked at four Latin-American nations (Mexico, Cuba, El Salvador, the Dominican Republic) plus Puerto Rico; they also looked at five Asian nations (China, India, Japan, Korea, and the Philippines).

Among the first-generation Latin-American immigrants — people born in one of those five places — 98.6 percent checked the “Hispanic” box. Likewise, 96.3 percent of the first-generation Asian immigrants identified as Asian.

But the second-generation immigrants were less likely to identify as Hispanic or Asian. Only 93 percent of people with a parent born in a Latin-American country themselves identified as Hispanic. The difference was more dramatic for Asians. Only 79.1 percent of second-generation Asian immigrants identified as even part-Asian.

It’s important to remember that the CPS allows people to check multiple boxes for race. You can be any combination of black, Asian, white, Native American, and so forth. On top of that, the government also asks a separate question about whether you are Hispanic. This means you can be white and Hispanic, black and Hispanic, even white-black-Asian triracial and Hispanic.

The point is that it’s easy for people to indicate complex heritages on the survey form. Yet, many who are multi-racial are not doing this.

They might have Hispanic grandparents, but don't consider themselves Hispanic. They might have an Asian and a black parent, but only consider themselves black.

Duncan and Trejo also have some data on the children of second-generation immigrants, where the trend continues. The CPS asks parents to provide racial information about their kids. Of the kids with at least one Latin-American grandparent, only 81.7 percent were marked down as Hispanic. Of the kids with at least one Asian grandparent, only 57.5 percent were marked down as Asian.

These statistics highlight an overlooked way that immigrants assimilate in America — by literally blending in and blending families with the native-born. "In a lot of ways, intermarriage is the most intimate kind of assimilation," Trejo says.

But this phenomenon may also present problems for researchers looking to measure progress among minorities.

Duncan and Trejo have found that the second-generation Latin-American immigrants who refuse to call themselves Hispanic are more educated, on average, than their counterparts who embrace their Hispanic identity. It’s still unclear how big of a deal this is, but it seems that we have been underestimating the progress of Hispanic immigrants and their offspring because some of the more successful ones don’t mark themselves as “Hispanic” on government surveys.

A lot of this should have been obvious. Immigrants are everywhere in American public life. Countless celebrities, including Frankie Muniz, Aubrey Plaza, and Fergie, are second or third-generation Hispanic. Latina Magazine has a whopping list of 109 stars “you never knew were Latino!”

These are some of the faces that we may want to recognize in any debate about immigration and assimilation in America. The irony is that some have blended in so well, we hardly recognize them as the children of immigrants anymore.

Jeff Guo is a reporter covering economics, domestic policy, and everything empirical. He's from Maryland, but outside the Beltway. Follow him on Twitter: @_jeffguo.

Interfaith barriers and interfaith marriages

Interfaith barriers and interfaith marriages   | InterfaithSpeaker.com 

By the end of 2020, there will not be a major city in America, and perhaps in the world, where you will not find people of different faiths, cultures, ethnicities, races, nationalities and social backgrounds working, eating, playing, marrying, and doing things together.

We need to prepare ourselves for those eventualities to prevent possible conflicts, and lay a good foundation for nurturing goodwill and effective functioning of the societies. Exclusive communities will become a thing of the past.  If you live amidst others, you must also respect the otherness of others, as you expect them to do the same for you.

An ideal society is where, no individual has to live in apprehension or fear of the other, live his or her own life and let others live theirs. If we can learn to accept the otherness of others, and respect the God given uniqueness of each one of the 7 billion of us, then conflicts fade and solutions emerge. 

Marriage is such a choice, it is between two individuals. I admire the interfaith couples who were raised with different values, different customs and traditions, but yet, willing to set the example by working, living and marrying together, and importantly living with their uniquness. 

It is disappointing to many a religiously oriented first-time marrying couples. Their clergy or a parent invariably insists that the other person to convert to their faith tradition, some do, and some fake it and some are not comfortable with the idea at all.

When a couple is deeply committed to marry, they go ahead and get married any way but sorely miss out on the ceremony. Over the years, I have seen too many couples miss out on the joy of that additional sense of completeness that comes with a religious ceremony. Marriage is between two individuals, and their families and friends ought to be supporters and cheerleaders to celebrate and complete their joy.

As a Pluralist, I have chosen to officiate the weddings of such couples to reflect the essence of Bride and Groom's tradition. I laud such couples who embrace genuine humanity by respecting the otherness of other, and accepting each other's uniqueness. If the couple prefers to please the religiosity of their parents, relatives and friends, the sermon would include reflections and essence of the faith of the couple.

I am blessed to have performed some uniquely beautiful combination of weddings; Jewish Bride and a Christian groom; Muslim bride and Jain groom, Hindu Bride and Muslim groom, Christians Bride and Atheist groom..... it was such a joy to see their families cheer at the end.

I had a difficult father of a Christian groom who was vehemently against the Hindu girl marrying without conversion, he did not even want to be a part of the wedding, but I felt, a good heart to heart conversation will make a dent, and it did. The man who did not talk with his son for two months and did not want to be a part of the wedding was greatful for the semblance of Christian wedding and then hung out with the kids for celebrations. Oh, there are lots of good stories to share.

By the way, officiating wedding is not my business, I do it for the joy for fulfilling the religious needs of the couples. 

"We provide all people the ability to celebrate marriage and other religious functions according to their beliefs. We believe that this is an innate human right and is also protected by the 1st Amendment. Our values come from the understanding that all people, whether religious or not, have deep personal values and should be treated with respect, acceptance, and understanding."

Marriage is a celebration that brings people together, and we want to extend that ethos further by being a church comprised of a wide cross-section of people that have found common ground in the service of bringing people together.

I am comfortable with every one of God's creation, here is one such expression. 

You may be anxious to express the same sentiments that I have expressed here, and I hope this note assures you and I for who we are. A majority of us are moderates, meaning individuals who want to get along with others, mind our own business, not judge others until we have the first hand knowledge, respect the otherness of others and wish the very best for others. The moderates believe in the Golden rule, treat others as you want to be treated. Moderates is not a group of people, it is the attitude of individuals, you and I can be a moderate most of the times, all the times and a few times.

You will find me in the company of people who are on the extreme right, left and the center, liberals and conservatives,  progressives and regressives,  religious and atheists, gays and straight, republicans and democrats, communists and capitalists, and enemies and friends.

Mother Teresa is one of my ten mentors, and she had said something to the effect that, "If you want to make peace with those who differ, go talk with them, talking with friends will not change the equation." I strongly believe in it and am driven by it.

Please don’t fall in to the trap of judging me because who I am with, God has blessed me with the wisdom to have strong convictions, but be open to knowledge.  I remain who I am, and you are who you are,  and I will always make an effort to know the other. The more we know about the others, the fewer the conflicts we will have. We have to take the time to understand other’s fears and aspirations to find solutions.

A few people I knew did not want to invite me to speak in their gatherings,  because I was on Sean Hannity show, they did not even hear what I say on the show,  but drew their own conclusions. The other day I posted a picture with Ayaan Hirsi Ali and got some nasty e-mails for being with her. I was surprised even Katrina Lantos of US Human Rights agency is perceived negatively.  Once I defended Pamela Geller's right to speak in London that produced a lot of hate mail. On the other hand, I have vigorously defended CAIR on Hannity and other shows, and the right did not like that either.

A month ago, I was standing with a man who wore a hateful T-shirt against LGBT community, a few people chewed me out for merely standing with him, and of course, I speak out.  A few months ago, I was with a Bicyclist who made from San Francisco to Washington defending the rights of the Unificationist church members who are being persecuted, I was called names for associating with the ministry of Rev. Sung Myung Moon, what do they know about him?   Just a week ago, some one wrote 'ugly' emails for standing up for the rights of the Ahmadiyya Muslim Community.  One of these day, if I live on, I will chronicle these incidents. Don't laugh, every groups has men and women who are sadly misinformed. There is one from every faith group from Atheist to Zoroastrians and every one in between, and there is from every race and ethnicity as well.  No one can cast the first stone, Jesus was right!

Some of us will always be searching (consciously and subconsciously) and working to free ourselves from malice and prejudice, indeed,  it is liberating and brings genuine peace of mind.

We held symposiums about the Genocides around the world, as many as we can, the Indians were ticked off because we talked about Sikh Genocide and the Gujarat Massacre which happened in India, but the Pakistanis were happy about it.  When we talked about the Bangladesh Genocides, the Indians were happy as it reflected badly on Pakistan, and when we talked about the harassment of Hindu minorities in Bangladesh, a few Muslims were ticked off, and when we talked about the plight of Kashmiri Pundits, there was no appreciation from a few Hindu friends.  Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) had said, standing up for Justice is one of the most important values and the right thing to do,  if you cannot stop it, the least you can do is speak up, the Prophet was right! 

I have stood up with the Jewish community at three Synagogues, Jewish Post, Jewish Schools and Holocaust Museum when Pastor Fred Phelps of Westboro Baptist Church held his hateful rallies in Dallas, and within a few months I stood up with the people of Gaza in a rally in downtown Dallas. Was I against Jews or in support of Jews?  Neither, I was there for the human rights of individuals regardless of who they were.  (Google search for articles and pictures).  Can I stop people from misunderstanding me?  Check outwww.HolocaustandGenocides.com  and www.Standingupforothers.com

Do all Jews, Hindus, Muslims, Christians and others act that way? Hell no! Only those who have not understood the value the human rights of others act like that.  They have also not outgrown out of the selfishness they are obsessed with. While we talk about the Genocides of one, they scream out loud, what about me without even taking the time to see if they were included or not.

We did a skit in one of the programs where the (actor) son screams 'what about me and my problems?' He continues to whine about being ignored…. Then the father (actor) walks up and slaps him and tells him, I did not teach you to be that selfish to the point of not seeing others difficulties and quit screaming about your own, quit the me-me-and-the-me attitude.  Lord Krishna had said in Bhagvad Gita, finding the truth is your own responsibility, and truth shall set you free. Krishna was right!

I played the son, and it was difficult for me to find anyone to play father or mother and slap the son on the stage. Americans just don't do that, it is our culture. I talked to Rev. Petra Weldes, my sister in spirituality, she said, she would have loved to slap me. Petra, you will get that opportunity, LOL!
   

Our communities and the world would be a better place to live if we value our rights as humans first. Let’s look at each other as fellow beings, which we are, and not look down upon what they eat, drink, wear and believe or how they appear.  

We have crystallized the definition of pluralism to mean, “Respecting the otherness of the others and accepting the uniqueness of each one of us”. Pluralism is nothing but an attitude of live and let live, and it is applicable in every aspect of life including culture, society, religion, politics, gender, food, ethnicity, race and other uniqueness’s.

You are who you are, and I am who I am. As long as we don't mess with each other’s space, sustenance and nurturence, and mind our own business, we all will do well.  If we can learn to respect the otherness of other and accept the God-given uniqueness of each one of the seven billion of us, then conflicts fade and solutions emerge. 

Every religion is beautiful and is committed to teach us all to learn to live with each other with least conflicts. A majority of the followers of each religion get that right, a few don't. It is our responsibility to reach them out, the allay their fears about others. The Torah says, don't look down on strangers, for once we were strangers too, indeed Torah is right!Pluralism is not a set of rules, it is simply the attitude of live and let live religiously, politically, culturally and socially.  We are committed to building cohesive societies, where no human has to live in apprehension, discomfort or fear of a fellow being.
I am blessed to be a pluralist with zero bias towards my fellow humans, and
 urge you to read the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. You do your part and let others do theirs.  http://www.un.org/en/universal-declaration-human-rights/

Please don't judge me for who I am with, as I plan to be with every one of God's creation.

Mike Ghouse
Text or Talk at (214) 325-1916

Dr. Mike Ghouse is a community consultant, social scientist, thinker, writer, news maker, and a speaker on Pluralism, Interfaith, Islam, politics, terrorism, human rights, India, Israel-Palestine and foreign policy. He is committed to building cohesive societies and offers pluralistic solutions on issues of the day. Visit him in 63 links at www.MikeGhouse.net for his writings at TheGhousediary.com and several blogs listed there in. 

Muslim woman marrying non-Muslims

I've an article pending for nearly two years, and it's written in identical language to this piece by Dr. Khaled Abou El Fadl.  Now that, I've read this, I'll have to acknowledge similarities when I publish my piece. 

I see Islam as a system to build cohesive societies,  where all religions equally perform the task of creating such societies. In that larger context, and in reference to the word Ummah used originally to mean 'all',  interfaith marriages fall under the larger umbrella of humanity, which Islam calls 'Aalameen.' Let me reiterate, God is rabbul Aalameen (creator of the Universe) , prophet is Rahmatul Aalameen (Mercy to everything that exists in that universe; people and environment)  and we should rise above our pigeon holes and become muklooqul Aalameen ( Universal beings) with no barriers. We have to overcome the soft barriers between one human and the other, marriage between two different individuals is the best anti-dote to conflicts, they set the example, and establish new standards in respecting the otherness of others and accepting the God given uniqueness of each one to create the cohesive universe that God wills for us to work on.

Requesting others to see your point of view is always a necessity, but there shall be no compulsion, and the best way to move forward is respecting the otherness of others, which is the essence of Sura Kafirun- here is my understanding of the chapter.  http://quraan-today.blogspot.com/2008/07/sura-kafirun-un-believers.html and here is another video on Pluralism in Islam - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b7Tyt7raIXM

Mike Ghouse
Interfaith wedding officiant
Washington, DC
(214) 325-1916

LETTER 1 of 2

As-Salaam-Alaikum:

I don't mean to bother you but this is disturbing my mind and I need an educated explanation.

I was at a Muslim Sister's Fashion Show (predominately African American sisters) when during casual conversation a young sister (mid 20s) stated that her husband is Christian. This as you can image created quite a stir. She was immediately verbally attacked. She tried to defend herself by saying that he did not prohibit her from practicing Islam and he has agreed that the children will be Muslim. She was advised to divorce him.

I don't know if they were married and she converted or if she was already Muslim when they married. She was under such a heavy attack that I could not get that question in. However this issue is one that I need to understand because I can't adequately explain why there is a prohibition for the Muslim female in marrying from the people of the book and there is no prohibition for the Muslim male. More often than not I hear all non Muslims classified as kufar.

The only explanation I can provide is that the Quran specifies that the male can marry a Christian or Jewish woman. Since he is the head of the household the expectation is that he will respect her rights and the children will take his religion. Really in actuality from what I've seen this is not the case. The woman has so much pressure put on her to abandon her beliefs that she eventually gives in or gets out of the marriage.

I have been asked does the Quran specifically prohibit the Muslim woman from marrying a Christian or Jewish male. My understanding is the only specific prohibition is for polytheist. Am I wrong?

This is a big issue for African Americans especially because of the rate of conversion. There are instances where the husband converts and the wife does not. This is not seen as a problem. However there are instances where the wife converts and the husband does not. It doesn't matter whether they have been together 2 years or 20 years, the advice the sister receives is to divorce him.

Then there are the cases of sisters whose preference is to marry within their race but there are not enough suitable African American Muslim men at least in this city. They resign themselves to being celibate forever.

When I say suitable African American Muslim men, I mean those who are knowledgeable about the Deen and truly strive to practice it, those who have truly accepted the role and responsibilities of the Muslim male and do not demand that the woman provide more financially for them than they provide for her, those who are not extremist, those who have not been married and divorced 3, 4 or 5 times with children all over the place, those who are not trying to have several wives when they can't afford to take care of one, etc. This is airing dirty laundry but so be it, this is our harsh reality.

[Name withheld for privacy]

****************************************

Al-salamu 'alaykum sister:

First I should apologize for the long time it has taken me to respond to your message. As you might have heard, I have been rather ill. But on a happier note, recently we were blessed with a wonderful baby boy.

But I should confess that there is another reason for the delay. This is a difficult issue to deal with. I did receive a large number of inquiries about this same issue, and I have tended to avoid responding to them because I am not exactly very excited about handling this weighty and serious problem.

Surprising to me, all schools of thought prohibited a Muslim woman from marrying a man who is a kitabi (among the people of the book). I am not aware of a single dissenting opinion on this, which is rather unusual for Islamic jurisprudence because Muslim jurists often disagreed on many issues, but this is not one of them.

All jurists agreed that a Muslim man or woman may not marry a mushrik [one who associates partners with God--there is a complex and multi-layered discourse on who is to be considered a mushrik, but we will leave this for a separate discussion]. However, because of al-Ma'ida verse 5, there is an exception in the case of a Muslim man marrying a kitabiyya. There is no express prohibition in the Qur'an or elsewhere about a Muslim woman marrying a kitabi. However, the jurists argued that since express permission was given to men, by implication women must be prohibited from doing the same. The argument goes: If men needed to be given express permission to marry a kitabiyya, women needed to be given express permission as well, but since they were not given any such permission then they must be barred from marrying a kitabi.

The justification for this rule was two-fold: 1) Technically, children are given the religion of their father, and so legally speaking, the offspring of a union between a Muslim male and a kitabiyya would still be Muslim; 2)It was argued that Muslim men are Islamically prohibited from forcing their wives to become Muslim. Religious coercion is prohibited in Islam. However, in Christianity and Judaism a similar prohibition against coercion does not exist. According to their own religious law, Muslim jurists argued, Christian men may force their Muslim wives to convert to their (the husbands') religion. Put differently, it was argued, Islam recognizes Christianity and Judaism as valid religions, but Judaism and Christianity do not recognize the validity of Islam as a religion. Since it was assumed that the man is the stronger party in a marriage, it was argued that Christian and Jewish men will be able to compel their Muslim wives to abandon Islam. (If a Muslim man would do the same, he would be violating Islamic law and committing a grave sin).

Importantly, the Hanafi, Maliki, and Shafi'i jurists held that it is reprehensible (makruh) for Muslim men to marry a kitabiyya if they live in non-Muslim countries. They argued that in non-Muslim countries, mothers will be able to influence the children the most. Therefore, there is a high likelihood that the children will not grow up to be good Muslims unless both parents are Muslim. Some jurists even went as far as saying that Muslim men are prohibited from marrying a kitabiyya if they live in non-Muslim countries.

This is the law as it exists or the legal legacy as we inherited it. In all honesty, personally, I am not convinced that the evidence prohibiting Muslim women from marrying a kitabi is very strong. Muslim jurists took a very strong position on this matter--many of them going as far as saying if a Muslim woman marries a kitabi she is as good as an apostate. I think, and God knows best, that this position is not reasonable and the evidence supporting it is not very strong. However, I must confess that in my humble opinion, I strongly sympathize with the jurists that argued that in non-Muslim countries it is reprehensible (makruh) for a Muslim to marry a non-Muslim. God knows best--I have reached this position after observing that the children of these Muslim/non-Muslim marriages in most cases do not grow up with a strong sense of their Islamic identity. It seems to me that in countries like the U.S. it is best for the children if they grow up with a Muslim father and mother. I am not comfortable telling a Muslim woman marrying a kitabi that she is committing a grave sin and that she must terminate her marriage immediately. I do tell such a woman that she should know that by being married to a kitabi that she is acting against the weight of the consensus; I tell her what the evidence is; and then I tell her my own ijtihad on the matter (that it is makruh for both men and women in non-Muslim countries). After telling her all of this, I add that she must always remember that only God knows best; that she should reflect on the matter as hard as she can; then she should pray and plead for guidance from God; and then ultimately she must do what her conscience dictates.

I hope this response helps answer your question. I pray to God to guide us both to what He pleases and wants, and that He helps the sister you wrote me about to find peace and tranquility with whatever decision she makes. God is the best guide and mentor--may He forgive our sins and bless us with His Compassion and Mercy.

With my sincere regards,

Shaykh Khaled Abou El Fadl

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LETTER 2 of 2

Good Evening, Sheikh:

I'm a 23-year old Muslim woman living in the U.S. I have a question regarding my relationship with a man I love after reading your post about the Christian Man and Muslim Woman post.

Here's a little background first: The man I love was born to a Muslim father and a Jewish mother. The father left when he was 1 year old and returned to his home country. He was raised by his mother and so, he was raised Jewish. He even changed his last name from his fathers last name to his mothers. Both of my parents are Muslim. Me and this man would like to get married in the coming years but we're facing a lot of pushback, mostly from my father. Obviously my father wants us to have a proper Muslim marriage but being that he is Jewish, my parents think that no sheikh will want to marry us. I've asked a sheikh before and his advice was to move on and forget this chapter of my life. How can I move on and forget the love of my life just because his father decided to leave? He could have very well stayed and this man would have been a Muslim. So because of his Muslim fathers irresponsible actions, we can't be happy ? I just need an answer to this question: how can I marry this man in a halal way? We both believe in one God and we're both good people who do right by others and our parents. I wouldn't ask him to convert, not only is coercion wrong in our religion but I also would not want him to lose the woman who raised him as a single mother.

Please advise. Thanks.

(Name Withheld for Privacy)

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Dear Sister,

Al-salamu 'alaykum. Since I do not know you personally, most of what I have to say I have said in this statement: http://www.scholarofthehouse.org/oninma.html.

But to be directly responsive to your question, do I believe that a woman who marries outside of the Muslim faith is a kafir? The answer is no, I do not. Do I believe that it is advisable to marry someone outside the faith? No, I do not. In religious terms, it is among the issues that I would consider makruh (disfavored) for both Muslim men and Muslim women. This is based on a sociological reality that children who grow up with parents not sharing the same faith grow up in a state of confusion, which they resolve often by being faithless. Or if they have any faith, it tends to simply be agnostic. In my over 30 years in the West, working in case after case, all stories begin with love, dreams, and high hopes. Ten, twenty, thirty years later, from my experience and the experience of so many that I have dealt with, the ending is not happy.

There is a quintessential and fundamental question that every man and woman should ask himself/herself. Personally, I cannot be married to someone with whom I cannot pray, fast, celebrate Eid, and perform all my other religious duties. My faith is of such importance to me that I must be able to share it with my partner. In a marriage, you share your body, money, heart, and perhaps your soul. The question you must ask yourself is: Is religion less important or more important to you than all of these things? To me, Islam and its practices are more basic and fundamental than my money, body, heart, or soul. I cherish it more than these things. If I am married to someone with whom I cannot share what I hold the dearest, I feel that I am cheating them, and that the relationship is superficial and insincere. Add to this the position in which the children will be placed as they try to navigate the issues of truth and lack thereof in our modern world.

The only advice I can give you is to ask yourself what role does your faith play in your life? Will you be happy if you are unable to submit to God with your partner according to the teachings of Islam? And how important is it to you that your children are raised firm in their conviction about prayer, fasting, the shahada, and all the other essentials of the faith? Only you can provide the necessary honesty in responding to these questions. When all is said and done, whatever your decision is, I sincerely pray with all my heart that Allah blesses you, aids you, guides you, and that you have success and happiness in your life. And when all is said and done, it is only Allah that can judge you, your intentions and your actions. As is my firm conviction, only Allah knows best.

Al-salamu 'alaykum wa rahmatu Allah,

Shaykh Khaled Abou El Fadl

Married Interfaith Couples Who Keep Religious Traditions Separate on the Rise

As a Pluralist, it is a joy for me to see interfaith marriages, you can read it in the "ABOUT THE WEDDING"  heading on this site at http://interfaithmarriages.blogspot.com/ 


The real purpose of religion is to build cohesive societies where people can live in harmony and without apprehension or fear of the other. 

When a congregation loses a member to other faith, they obviously feel the loss, rather personal loss. The guardians of religions feel threatened that their religion is being diluted with lesser religiosity, some are afraid that their numbers will decline and most of them react with a NO to interfaith marriages. 

In reality, they should be feel secure with interfaith marriages without conversions- it shows the way that we are doing what God intended us for to do; respecting the otherness of other and living in harmony with the differences. Should they have children, they tend to respect both faiths, in turn humanity. 

Nearly 500 years ago, King Akbar of India, a Muslim married Princess Jodha, a Hindu, and both of them maintained their faith and no attempt was made to convert.  Contrary to the popular belief about Islam, the religion does not believe in forcing conversions, and lays a huge emphasis on freedom of thought, and declares that there is no compulsion in religion.

Prophet Muhammad married Safia, a Jewish woman, and Maria a Christian woman and apparently did not ask them to convert to his faith, as he preached that one can marry within the family of faiths, but there are claims that both the ladies chose to become Muslims on their own. That's entirely possible that they did it on their own and prophet wanted to set an example that there is no compulsion in matters of faith.  He did not push his uncle to convert either, God wanted to let the world know that he is in control and not the mortal Muhammad (pbuh).

Married Interfaith Couples Who Keep Religious Traditions Separate on the RiseBy Jessica Grose

Courtesy of Salon

hoto by Daniel Berehulak/Getty Images

That interfaith marriage is on the rise in the U.S. has been much discussed in the past year, but here’s a new wrinkle: According to new study, interfaith couples are likelier to keep their separate religious affiliations than ever before. In previous decades, it was more likely that one person in an interfaith couple would switch religious affiliations (usually the husband in a heterosexual couple) or both members of the couple would drop affiliation altogether. But David McClendon, a Ph.D. student at the University of Texas at Austin, crunched the numbers and found that 40 percent of couples married in the aughts are keeping their religious traditions separate after they marry compared to just over 20 percent in the 1960s. Keeping faith separate is even more common among gay couples—almost 50 percent of lesbians and 74 percent of gay male interfaith couples keep their individual religious affiliations.

In his write-up of the paper for the Council on Contemporary Families Civil Rights Symposium, McClendon notes that part of this might be due to greater religious tolerance in general. As he notes, 80 percent of Americans age 18-23 (an all-time high) reject the idea that you need shared religious beliefs to have a successful marriage. But part of the trend might also be that Americans are less religious, and less observant, than they used to be. A quarter of Millennials are religiously unaffiliated, compared with just 13 percent of Boomers when they were young adults according to a 2010 Pew study, and fewer young people now say that religion is “very important” in their lives. In an email, McClendon also makes the point that Millennials were more likely to grow up in interfaith households than previous generations, so “we may be seeing some intergenerational feedback effects, too.”


The other question I had reading McClendon’s study is what happens when couples in these super-interfaith marriages have kids? A new book, Families and Faith: How Religion Is Passed Down Across Generations by Vern L. Bengtson, a professor of social work at USC, has found that it’s much more difficult for members of interfaith couplesto pass down their specific beliefs. And Naomi Schaefer Riley, author of ’Til Faith Do Us Part: How Interfaith Marriage Is Transforming America, notes in the New York Times that less than half of interfaith couples actually discuss what faith they’ll raise their kids in before they got married.

In researching for her book, Schaefer Riley found that interfaith couples are less satisfied than couples that share their faith (in her New York Times op-ed on the subject she didn’t mention how observant the interfaith couples were). But it’s worthwhile to note that the more religious person tended to be the more unhappy one in an interfaith marriage, particularly if they were Evangelical, as Evangelical Christians take a hard-line approach to salvation. We’ll probably see less unhappiness among interfaith couples as the country becomes less and less observant—which is where the trend seems to be going. 

Jessica Grose is a frequent Slate contributor and the author of the novel Sad Desk Salad. Follow her on Twitter.
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