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Showing posts with label Interfaith Speaker. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Interfaith Speaker. Show all posts

Monday, April 11, 2016

Pope Francis Just Made It a Little Easier for Catholics to Marry Jews

Pope Francis is a mercy to mankind, he is the kindest human being that there is. He is my mentor and have written about him extensively.

Mike Ghouse
www.InterfaithMarriages.org 

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Pope Francis Just Made It a Little Easier for Catholics to Marry Jews  

Courtesy: Haaretz 

New Church document urges viewing intermarriage as an opportunity for cross-faith dialogue rather than for converting non-Catholic spouses.



MILAN – Though the pope stopped short Friday of granting Catholics his official permission to marry Jews and members of other faiths, he did significantly soften the Church’s stance on marriage between Catholics and members of other faiths. Interfaith marriage is on the rise anyway, Pope Francis acknowledged in his eagerly awaited apostolic exhortation on marriage and family. And besides, the Vatican no longer endorses actively trying to convert members of other religions to Catholicism – why not look at interfaith marriage as an opportunity to encourage dialogue between members of different religions?

Francis’ “Amoris Laetitia” (Latin for “The Joy of Love”) has gotten a lot of attention for its generally more lenient approach to divorce and gay marriage, but perhaps more significant to non-Catholics is the pope’s decrees on interfaith marriage – an issue with which the Jewish world is currently grappling as well.

In the 256-page Church document, Francis deals separately with the issues of marriage between Catholics and non-Catholic Christians, which the Vatican defines as “mixed marriages,” and those between Catholics and members of other religions. The latter are more problematic and pose more significant challenges, especially with regard to “the Christian identity of the family and the religious upbringing of the children,” he says. However, marriages to non-Christians are also “a privileged place for interreligious dialogue,” the pope declared – in other words, they are a chance for the Catholic church to strike up dialogue with different religions.

“The idea of seeing mixed marriages as an opportunity is not something new in the Catholic Church,” explains Piero Stefani, a progressive Catholic scholar at the Facoltà Teologica del Nord Italia, a Church-owned institute in Milan. In the Church’s early days during the Roman Empire, it urged new Christian converts who were already married to use their relationships to convert their spouses: “In the New Testament [Corinthians 7:12-15] Paul said that Christians who were married to non-Christians should stay in the marriage in order to ‘sanctify’ [i.e. help convert] their non-Christian spouse,” Stefani says.

“Nowadays the climate is very different: The Church is no longer endorsing a policy of missionary conversion, especially toward Jews. So interfaith marriages are seen as an ‘opportunity’ to start a positive dialogue [about faith] with the non-Catholic spouse, rather than an occasion to convert him or her,” he says.

Francis has repeatedly stated that Catholics should not try to convert Jews.
read  

Since marriages to non-Christian partners are becoming more common, the Pope decreed that Catholic clergy should educate itself on the issues surrounding interfaith marriage so that it can better deal with marriages between Catholics and non-Catholics when such occasion does arise.
The Catholic Church has historically taken a much tougher view on interfaith marriages, with Benedict XIV in the 1700s calling them “detestable marriages which Holy Mother Church has continually condemned and interdicted.”

In 1966, after the Second Vatican Council, however, the Church issued a document reiterating the ban on interfaith marriages and the “dangers inherent in the marriage of a Catholic with a non-Catholic Christian and even more so in the marriage with a non-Christian.” But this time the Church added a new rule that allowed priests to perform them under special circumstances, for instance when the Catholic education of children could be guaranteed.

Under Francis’ Friday decree, intermarriage is still considered a peculiar situation that requires a special permit to be performed. But now, Francis has said, it should no longer be viewed solely as a “danger” but also a possibility.

“Francis isn’t saying anything new in terms of doctrine. What’s changing is the tone of voice, which might change the way the doctrine is perceived,” notes Stefani, the Catholic scholar.

In discussing marriages between Christians of different denominations, Francis has also urges a more moderate approach, though again he does not entirely buck Vatican tradition, stating that they “require particular attention” but are to be valued “for the contribution that they can make to the ecumenical movement” – that is, dialogue between different Christian groups. Therefore he has urged “cordial cooperation between the Catholic and the non-Catholic ministers.”

This declaration from the Vatican comes at a time when the Jewish world is also grappling with rising rates of intermarriage. In America, for example, 35 percent of Jewish Americans who married in the past five years have a non-Jewish spouse, according to a Pew Research Center survey. During the same period, interfaith marriages accounted for 39 percent of all marriages in the United States. Anecdotal evidence suggests that intermarriage rates are higher among European Jews.

Orthodox Judaism bans intermarriage, and some voices in the Conservative, Reform and Reconstructionist movements also maintain that it poses a threat to the future of Diaspora Jewry, though there are those who would disagree. In January, the U.S. Reconstructionist Rabbinical College lifted its ban on ordaining intermarried rabbis, citing such ban was perceived as “reinforcing a tribalism that feels personally alienating and morally troubling in the 21st century.” Seven rabbis have quit the Reconstructionist movement because of the new policy, describing it as “detrimental to the Jewish people in America.”

Anna Momigliano
Haaretz Contributor

Sunday, February 7, 2016

Interfaith barriers and interfaith marriages

Interfaith barriers and interfaith marriages   | InterfaithSpeaker.com 

By the end of 2020, there will not be a major city in America, and perhaps in the world, where you will not find people of different faiths, cultures, ethnicities, races, nationalities and social backgrounds working, eating, playing, marrying, and doing things together.

We need to prepare ourselves for those eventualities to prevent possible conflicts, and lay a good foundation for nurturing goodwill and effective functioning of the societies. Exclusive communities will become a thing of the past.  If you live amidst others, you must also respect the otherness of others, as you expect them to do the same for you.

An ideal society is where, no individual has to live in apprehension or fear of the other, live his or her own life and let others live theirs. If we can learn to accept the otherness of others, and respect the God given uniqueness of each one of the 7 billion of us, then conflicts fade and solutions emerge. 

Marriage is such a choice, it is between two individuals. I admire the interfaith couples who were raised with different values, different customs and traditions, but yet, willing to set the example by working, living and marrying together, and importantly living with their uniquness. 

It is disappointing to many a religiously oriented first-time marrying couples. Their clergy or a parent invariably insists that the other person to convert to their faith tradition, some do, and some fake it and some are not comfortable with the idea at all.

When a couple is deeply committed to marry, they go ahead and get married any way but sorely miss out on the ceremony. Over the years, I have seen too many couples miss out on the joy of that additional sense of completeness that comes with a religious ceremony. Marriage is between two individuals, and their families and friends ought to be supporters and cheerleaders to celebrate and complete their joy.

As a Pluralist, I have chosen to officiate the weddings of such couples to reflect the essence of Bride and Groom's tradition. I laud such couples who embrace genuine humanity by respecting the otherness of other, and accepting each other's uniqueness. If the couple prefers to please the religiosity of their parents, relatives and friends, the sermon would include reflections and essence of the faith of the couple.

I am blessed to have performed some uniquely beautiful combination of weddings; Jewish Bride and a Christian groom; Muslim bride and Jain groom, Hindu Bride and Muslim groom, Christians Bride and Atheist groom..... it was such a joy to see their families cheer at the end.

I had a difficult father of a Christian groom who was vehemently against the Hindu girl marrying without conversion, he did not even want to be a part of the wedding, but I felt, a good heart to heart conversation will make a dent, and it did. The man who did not talk with his son for two months and did not want to be a part of the wedding was greatful for the semblance of Christian wedding and then hung out with the kids for celebrations. Oh, there are lots of good stories to share.

By the way, officiating wedding is not my business, I do it for the joy for fulfilling the religious needs of the couples. 

"We provide all people the ability to celebrate marriage and other religious functions according to their beliefs. We believe that this is an innate human right and is also protected by the 1st Amendment. Our values come from the understanding that all people, whether religious or not, have deep personal values and should be treated with respect, acceptance, and understanding."

Marriage is a celebration that brings people together, and we want to extend that ethos further by being a church comprised of a wide cross-section of people that have found common ground in the service of bringing people together.

I am comfortable with every one of God's creation, here is one such expression. 


You may be anxious to express the same sentiments that I have expressed here, and I hope this note assures you and I for who we are. A majority of us are moderates, meaning individuals who want to get along with others, mind our own business, not judge others until we have the first hand knowledge, respect the otherness of others and wish the very best for others. The moderates believe in the Golden rule, treat others as you want to be treated. Moderates is not a group of people, it is the attitude of individuals, you and I can be a moderate most of the times, all the times and a few times.

You will find me in the company of people who are on the extreme right, left and the center, liberals and conservatives,  progressives and regressives,  religious and atheists, gays and straight, republicans and democrats, communists and capitalists, and enemies and friends.

Mother Teresa is one of my ten mentors, and she had said something to the effect that, "If you want to make peace with those who differ, go talk with them, talking with friends will not change the equation." I strongly believe in it and am driven by it.

Please don’t fall in to the trap of judging me because who I am with, God has blessed me with the wisdom to have strong convictions, but be open to knowledge.  I remain who I am, and you are who you are,  and I will always make an effort to know the other. The more we know about the others, the fewer the conflicts we will have. We have to take the time to understand other’s fears and aspirations to find solutions.

A few people I knew did not want to invite me to speak in their gatherings,  because I was on Sean Hannity show, they did not even hear what I say on the show,  but drew their own conclusions. The other day I posted a picture with Ayaan Hirsi Ali and got some nasty e-mails for being with her. I was surprised even Katrina Lantos of US Human Rights agency is perceived negatively.  Once I defended Pamela Geller's right to speak in London that produced a lot of hate mail. On the other hand, I have vigorously defended CAIR on Hannity and other shows, and the right did not like that either.

A month ago, I was standing with a man who wore a hateful T-shirt against LGBT community, a few people chewed me out for merely standing with him, and of course, I speak out.  A few months ago, I was with a Bicyclist who made from San Francisco to Washington defending the rights of the Unificationist church members who are being persecuted, I was called names for associating with the ministry of Rev. Sung Myung Moon, what do they know about him?   Just a week ago, some one wrote 'ugly' emails for standing up for the rights of the Ahmadiyya Muslim Community.  One of these day, if I live on, I will chronicle these incidents. Don't laugh, every groups has men and women who are sadly misinformed. There is one from every faith group from Atheist to Zoroastrians and every one in between, and there is from every race and ethnicity as well.  No one can cast the first stone, Jesus was right!

Some of us will always be searching (consciously and subconsciously) and working to free ourselves from malice and prejudice, indeed,  it is liberating and brings genuine peace of mind.

We held symposiums about the Genocides around the world, as many as we can, the Indians were ticked off because we talked about Sikh Genocide and the Gujarat Massacre which happened in India, but the Pakistanis were happy about it.  When we talked about the Bangladesh Genocides, the Indians were happy as it reflected badly on Pakistan, and when we talked about the harassment of Hindu minorities in Bangladesh, a few Muslims were ticked off, and when we talked about the plight of Kashmiri Pundits, there was no appreciation from a few Hindu friends.  Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) had said, standing up for Justice is one of the most important values and the right thing to do,  if you cannot stop it, the least you can do is speak up, the Prophet was right! 

I have stood up with the Jewish community at three Synagogues, Jewish Post, Jewish Schools and Holocaust Museum when Pastor Fred Phelps of Westboro Baptist Church held his hateful rallies in Dallas, and within a few months I stood up with the people of Gaza in a rally in downtown Dallas. Was I against Jews or in support of Jews?  Neither, I was there for the human rights of individuals regardless of who they were.  (Google search for articles and pictures).  Can I stop people from misunderstanding me?  Check outwww.HolocaustandGenocides.com  and www.Standingupforothers.com

Do all Jews, Hindus, Muslims, Christians and others act that way? Hell no! Only those who have not understood the value the human rights of others act like that.  They have also not outgrown out of the selfishness they are obsessed with. While we talk about the Genocides of one, they scream out loud, what about me without even taking the time to see if they were included or not.

We did a skit in one of the programs where the (actor) son screams 'what about me and my problems?' He continues to whine about being ignored…. Then the father (actor) walks up and slaps him and tells him, I did not teach you to be that selfish to the point of not seeing others difficulties and quit screaming about your own, quit the me-me-and-the-me attitude.  Lord Krishna had said in Bhagvad Gita, finding the truth is your own responsibility, and truth shall set you free. Krishna was right!

I played the son, and it was difficult for me to find anyone to play father or mother and slap the son on the stage. Americans just don't do that, it is our culture. I talked to Rev. Petra Weldes, my sister in spirituality, she said, she would have loved to slap me. Petra, you will get that opportunity, LOL!
   
Our communities and the world would be a better place to live if we value our rights as humans first. Let’s look at each other as fellow beings, which we are, and not look down upon what they eat, drink, wear and believe or how they appear.  

We have crystallized the definition of pluralism to mean, “Respecting the otherness of the others and accepting the uniqueness of each one of us”. Pluralism is nothing but an attitude of live and let live, and it is applicable in every aspect of life including culture, society, religion, politics, gender, food, ethnicity, race and other uniqueness’s.

You are who you are, and I am who I am. As long as we don't mess with each other’s space, sustenance and nurturence, and mind our own business, we all will do well.  If we can learn to respect the otherness of other and accept the God-given uniqueness of each one of the seven billion of us, then conflicts fade and solutions emerge. 

Every religion is beautiful and is committed to teach us all to learn to live with each other with least conflicts. A majority of the followers of each religion get that right, a few don't. It is our responsibility to reach them out, the allay their fears about others. The Torah says, don't look down on strangers, for once we were strangers too, indeed Torah is right!
Pluralism is not a set of rules, it is simply the attitude of live and let live religiously, politically, culturally and socially.  We are committed to building cohesive societies, where no human has to live in apprehension, discomfort or fear of a fellow being.
I am blessed to be a pluralist with zero bias towards my fellow humans, and
 urge you to read the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. You do your part and let others do theirs.  
http://www.un.org/en/universal-declaration-human-rights/

Please don't judge me for who I am with, as I plan to be with every one of God's creation.


Mike Ghouse
Text or Talk at (214) 325-1916

Dr. Mike Ghouse is a community consultant, social scientist, thinker, writer, news maker, and a speaker on PluralismInterfaithIslampolitics, terrorismhuman rightsIndiaIsrael-Palestine and foreign policy. He is committed to building cohesive societies and offers pluralistic solutions on issues of the day. Visit him in 63 links at www.MikeGhouse.net for his writings at TheGhousediary.com and several blogs listed there in. 

Monday, June 15, 2015

Married Interfaith Couples Who Keep Religious Traditions Separate on the Rise

As a Pluralist, it is a joy for me to see interfaith marriages, you can read it in the "ABOUT THE WEDDING"  heading on this site at http://interfaithmarriages.blogspot.com/ 


The real purpose of religion is to build cohesive societies where people can live in harmony and without apprehension or fear of the other. 

When a congregation loses a member to other faith, they obviously feel the loss, rather personal loss. The guardians of religions feel threatened that their religion is being diluted with lesser religiosity, some are afraid that their numbers will decline and most of them react with a NO to interfaith marriages. 

In reality, they should be feel secure with interfaith marriages without conversions- it shows the way that we are doing what God intended us for to do; respecting the otherness of other and living in harmony with the differences. Should they have children, they tend to respect both faiths, in turn humanity. 

Nearly 500 years ago, King Akbar of India, a Muslim married Princess Jodha, a Hindu, and both of them maintained their faith and no attempt was made to convert.  Contrary to the popular belief about Islam, the religion does not believe in forcing conversions, and lays a huge emphasis on freedom of thought, and declares that there is no compulsion in religion.

Prophet Muhammad married Safia, a Jewish woman, and Maria a Christian woman and apparently did not ask them to convert to his faith, as he preached that one can marry within the family of faiths, but there are claims that both the ladies chose to become Muslims on their own. That's entirely possible that they did it on their own and prophet wanted to set an example that there is no compulsion in matters of faith.  He did not push his uncle to convert either, God wanted to let the world know that he is in control and not the mortal Muhammad (pbuh).






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Monday, January 5, 2015

In Interfaith Homes, Dealing With the ‘December Dilemma’

This piece is for real and full of humor. Indeed it happens at the interfaith homes, and it is rightly called December Dilemma. How far does a spouse go to accept the otherness of other? How far should one go? Does the faith that you are conditioned to prevent you from participating in the other? Can we integrate culturally?

A few good examples that most people cannot do are: The great Indian actor Shahrukh Khan has married a Hindu woman, and they are raising their kids with both Hindu and Muslim cultures - kids are comfortable in celebrating both festivities without a second thought. Indeed there are several such celebrity examples.  I took my children to every place of worship so they don't grow up calling other's practices as weird, all diversity is within their grasp, and nothing is weird to them. We celebrated Christmas in full swing, I did not feel any resistance in me, though it was not my belief, culturally it was not a conflict to me.

Of course, I have grown and matured to be full interfaith pluralism person, all faiths and culture are home to me. I am comfortable with all - thank God, I fully respect and accept the God given uniqueness of others.

When I get the time, I will write a full article on this theme.

Mike Ghouse

Courtesy - New York Times

Zachary Assael-Berkowitz Staggers bought a Christmas tree for his Catholic ex-girlfriend, Alison McCarthy.

KIRSTEN LUCE FOR THE NEW YORK TIMESBy ANDY NEWMAN

DECEMBER 22, 2014

Two people meet. They fall in love. Big questions come up. Move in together? Do you want children? Big questions are answered. Life flows on.

Then December rolls around, and for some couples, things get complicated.

“Can we get a tree?”

When one half of a couple is Jewish and the other is gentile — more to the point, when one grew up with a Christmas tree and the other did not — the question can come freighted with all sorts of cultural and emotional baggage.

A seven-foot-tall “Menorah Tree,” with each candelabra stem covered in evergreen foliage and ornaments.

MIKE PATCHEN

The Christmas tree has its roots in pre-Christian winter-solstice rites — a celebration of the death-defying power of evergreen plants. But as everyday symbols of Christianity go, it is a potent one.

With Hanukkah in the homestretch and Christmas approaching, The New York Times asked Jewish readers in interfaith relationships about their first trees.

For some, allowing a tree into their living space was a guilt-inducing surrender to assimilation. For others, it was a joyous merger, often involving both a tree and a menorah.

Sometimes each side has to give. When Simon Silverstein and his wife got together in Brooklyn, he was firmly anti-tree. “I’d say, ‘I’m not used to this, and I really do not want it,’ ” he recalled.

Eventually, after the couple had children, Mr. Silverstein agreed to a pine branch stuck in a pot. Today, their tree is a wooden “tree sculpture” that he made, with a Star of David on top. “Our compromise seems to be working,” Mr. Silverstein said. “We’ve been married 50 years.”

In Cheshire Frager’s case, it was her gentile husband who had to give. Like many Jews, 

Ms. Frager, who is from Queens, grew up sharing in her Christian friends’ traditions. When she married an Italian-American 44 years ago, she looked forward to a Christmas tree of her own.

“Imagine my chagrin,” she wrote, “when the tree turned out to be a tiny Woolworth’s special, two feet tall, which my art-director husband decorated with Life Savers and other itsy-bitsy items.”

After “seven bitter years” of small-tree Christmases, the couple moved from an apartment to a house, and Ms. Frager got her way: a real, six-foot tree, with lights and tinsel and cranberry strings.

“Guilty? No way,” said Ms. Frager, who works for a Jewish charity. “We didHanukkah stuff for Hanukkah and Christmas stuff for Christmas.”

But for Eric Ben Reuven, of Astoria, Queens, the first tree “was a hard thing.”

The tree, he wrote, “was beautifully decorated and added a warm TV-show glow to the living room, but it did hurt a bit to see it there.” Mr. Ben Reuven’s now ex-wife later converted to Judaism; no more tree. “It did feel strange for her to not see a tree in a home she was living in,” he wrote.

One of the most creative compromises can be found in the home of Michael Patchen of Greenwich, Conn.: a seven-foot-tall “Menorah Tree,” with nine oversize candelabrum stems, each vined with evergreen foliage and decorated with ornaments.

At the Jewish Outreach Institute, a New York organization that helps interfaith families connect to the Jewish community, Paul Golin, the associate executive director, says he fields frequent questions about what is widely referred to as the “December dilemma.”

“Unfortunately, everyone has to answer it for themselves about their own comfort level,” he said. “It’s a question of what does this mean and how do you present it? For example, I’ve heard of households where the child is helping Daddy or Mommy celebrate Christmas, so they set it up like this is a tradition from this side of the family.”

Mr. Golin himself does not have a Christmas tree. His wife is from Japan and is not Christian, but like many Japanese, she grew up with a tree and lobbied for one. “She said, ‘It’s a Japanese cultural thing.’ But I said, ‘No it’s not Japanese, it’s Western and is how the culture has adapted.’

“So we agreed to celebrate only Hanukkah in our home,” he said. “But my wife does feel some degree of loss and she is making a sacrifice, and I tell her I appreciate that. She’s giving up a piece of her childhood.”

Michael Bassman, of Jackson Heights, Queens, wrote that while he was “uncomfortable with the tree,” he goes along for his family.

“It looks nice, smells great, and is an indispensable part of the Christmas ritual for my wife, and for the last 13 years, my kids,” he wrote. Mr. Bassman helps pick out the tree, but: “I don’t do the trimming.”

And then there is the case of Zachary Assael-Berkowitz Staggers, 28, and his Catholic ex-girlfriend, Alison McCarthy. Though broken up a few months, they are still friends, so when Ms. McCarthy asked him to help her get a tree, he agreed.

On the appointed night, Mr. Staggers overcelebrated at dinner, found himself unfit to drive, and canceled. Ms. McCarthy was livid. “It was as if I had desecrated a church or told a group of small children that Santa did not exist,” Mr. Staggers said.

The next morning, he headed out to a sidewalk tree stand. At a loss, he asked the vendor to recommend a tree. “Just pick one,” the man replied brusquely.

Mr. Staggers found a tree that was small but “seemed pointy enough or fluffy enough or something.” He took it to Ms. McCarthy’s apartment. She was out. He put the tree in the stand.

“Chubby and round, it leaned to one side clumsily and partially blocked the entrance to my ex’s bedroom door,” he wrote. Wrapped in a string of Christmas lights, the tree looked “like an obese man trying to fit into women’s lingerie.”

But at least she has a tree, he told himself.

That night, Ms. McCarthy texted, “Thanks for the tree,” and he felt redeemed. Then he saw she was still typing.

“Too bad it’s not a Christmas tree,” Ms. McCarthy wrote. “It’s a Hanukkah bush and it’s a bit on the schlubby side.”

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

In love and marriage, do different faiths really matter in America?

DO INTERFAITH MARRIAGES MATTER?
http://interfaithmarriages.blogspot.com/
Religions don’t marry, but people do, and what brings them together in the first place is a shared interest, evolved out of living their daily life at work, school, gym, bars, conferences and even the place of worship, indeed, that is what connects them.

As a Pluralist, I am blessed to have performed numerous weddings for couples in their own religious traditions like the Hindu-Christian, Muslim-Jain, Jewish-Christian, Muslim-Hindu and other combinations. We can highlight the beautiful wisdom of each faith as a part of the sermon to bring a sense of completeness to their wedding.


Texas Faith: In love and marriage, do different faiths really matter in America?

By Rudolph Bush
rbush@dallasnews.com
10:47 am on June 10, 2014 | Permalink

Recently, I attended the beautiful wedding of two friends, one from a Jewish family and one from a Christian family. The ceremony largely followed the Jewish tradition with occasional mention of the bride’s Christian upbringing.

I began to wonder, witnessing this blending of two people into one couple bound under God, what place separate faiths really serve in our society. If we are honest, there is no justifying the fundamental difference in belief between Christians and Jews or the other major faiths. But in cases like these, it is our cultural homogeneity that is more important than the tenets of our faith.

Given that, what does faith really mean in circumstances like these? Is faith or religion simply ceremonial? Or are we overcoming divisions in the name of something greater – that is – love?

Read our panelists’ responses below.

MIKE GHOUSE, President, Foundation for Pluralism and speaker on interfaith matters, Dallas


Religions don’t marry, but people do, and what brings them together in the first place is a shared interest, evolved out of living their daily life at work, school, gym, bars, conferences and even the place of worship, indeed, that is what connects them.

These couples must be admired by one and all. In an increasingly egocentric world, when people have difficulty in getting along, they are setting a new standard of respecting the otherness of others (defined as Pluralism).

It is disappointing to many couples, that their clergy or the parents insist on the other person to convert to their faith tradition, some do, and some fake it and some are not even comfortable with the idea.

When a couple is deeply committed to marry, they go ahead and get married anyway without the ceremony due to religious restrictions, but they sorely miss out on the integral part of their tradition they grew up with; a religious cultural wedding. There is good news for such couples now; an interfaith wedding.

As a Pluralist, I am blessed to have performed numerous weddings for couples in their own religious traditions like the Hindu-Christian, Muslim-Jain, Jewish-Christian, Muslim-Hindu and other combinations. We can highlight the beautiful wisdom of each faith as a part of the sermon to bring a sense of completeness to their wedding.

There is a cautionary side of the interfaith marriage, as Naomi Schaefer Riley reports in her book, How Interfaith Marriage is Transforming America, “The growing number of interfaith couples don’t know what they’re getting into. Interfaith couples tend to marry without thinking through the practical implications of their religious differences. They assume that because they are decent and tolerant people … they will not encounter difficulties being married to someone of another faith.” She insists, “But faith is a tricky thing and it sneaks up on people,” especially at significant moments when the pull of old loyalties supposedly outgrown reasserts itself. “The death of a loved one, the birth of a child, the loss of a job, a move to a new city — all of these things can give people a sense of religious longing, a desire to return to the faith of their childhood.”

One must be fully secure in himself or herself to learn to accept each other’s uniqueness, then conflicts fade and solutions emerge.

To read the other panelists, go to Dallas Morning news at
http://dallasmorningviewsblog.dallasnews.com/2014/06/texas-faith-in-love-and-marriage-do-different-faiths-really-matter-in-america.html/#more-40530
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Mike Ghouse is a speaker, thinker and a writer on pluralism
, politics, peace, Islam, Israel, India, interfaith, and cohesion at work place. He is committed to building a Cohesive America and offers pluralistic solutions on issues of the day at www.TheGhousediary.com. He believes in Standing up for others and a book with the same title is coming up. Mike has a strong presence on national and local TV, Radio and Print Media. He is a frequent guest on Sean Hannity show on Fox TV, and a commentator on national radio networks, he contributes weekly to the Texas Faith Column at Dallas Morning News; fortnightly at Huffington post; and several other periodicals across the world. His personal site www.MikeGhouse.net indexes all his work through many links.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Interfaith Marriages - Religious Double Standards Leave Many Muslims Single

URL - http://interfaithmarriages.blogspot.com/2013/07/interfaith-marriages-religious-double.html


Indeed, there are more single Muslim women in the United States than single men.

As a pluralist and an interfaith specialist who has conducted many interfaith marriages between people of different faiths, I continue to learn, understand and know the issues, and the more I learn, the more openings pop up, learning is an endless commitment.

The ultra-conservatives reject the interfaith marriages or insist on conversion of one party or the other, per them they have seen it all; there is no certainty in 'mixed' marriages and it is guaranteed to bring unforeseen miseries, that is their fear. Deep down they seem to want the marriages of their loved ones to fail - just so they can say, I told you so.

Their fears are legitimate, but what they miss out is factoring in the statistics. Far fewer interfaith marriages end up in divorce than the regular marriages, the reason is simple; their love for each other is stronger, as it was their choice to enter into the relationship,  and their commitment to make the marriage work remains stronger.

 As long as the society is homogenous and no one steps out of the known bounds, everyone is secure, and as long you do not interact with others (faith, culture, ethnicity, race), you are fine, and the system works like a charm with its own cultural and religious balance.
However, that is not the reality – no Muslim (Hindu, Jew or the other)  in America lives in a shell, he or she is constantly interacting with people of different cultures and faiths, races and ethnicities. He or she is bound to respect their friend, even if parents or religious teachers tell them that their friend will go to hell for not accepting Jesus as the savior; not following Islam or abandoning Hinduism. Indeed, the girl or the boy believes that his/her good friend will go to heaven,  and decides to accompany him or her.
A few men and women fake conversions, and the parents gloat on that victory, I have seen parents even fake it, telling their friends that their Bahu or Damaad (daughter or son in law) is a better Hindu, Muslim or Jew than their own kids. Sometimes, I wonder, what is important in life, being truthful or keeping up with the Jones'?

A couple of years ago, a Jewish mother disowned her daughter because she was marrying a Bahai, a Christian father had nothing to do with his son for choosing to marry a Hindu girl, its with every one, but not many are tested. 


For the black and white mind-sets, the world is full of colors. Accepting the interfaith couples does not mean you open the doors for the herds to go marry in other faiths, that is demeaning the love God magnetizes between any two people. 

Love happens, and I can never forget a couplet from Urdu and Hindi Languages, written by the Master Indian poet Mirza Ghalib:

Ishq par zor naheeN, hai ye woh aatish ‘GHalib’
ki lagaaye na lage aur bujhaaye na bane


Love is such a flame Ghalib (pen name),
you cannot lit or extinguish it, it just happens.


Marriage is between two individuals who are willing to commit to each other’s well-being. 
Like all couples, the interfaith couple also endures similar strains in their relationship, (8.4 and 7.9 marital satisfaction on Riley Scale) but it may take the avatar of faith if they are at each other’s throat. It is always easy to blame the religion for our failings. However, interfaith and other inter-relationships tend to be stronger.
 
Interfaith couples must be admired by one and all. When many a couples are having difficulty in getting along, they are setting a new standard: respecting the otherness of someone else and accepting the God-given uniqueness of each other. They may have grown up in different religious traditions, but yet, religion is not a barrier. The poet philosopher of the East, Dr. Allama Iqbal, says, Religion does not teach one to have ill-will.

No one in the American Cities goes without interacting with others. Even the Rabbis, Bhikkus, Gyanijis, Pandits and Imams  at times are accused of shaking hands with a woman in interfaith meetings. 


WARNING to the parents:  the more you denigrate your kid's friends faith, the more your kids will distance from your faith and culture. If you express any prejudice towards Hindus, Muslims, Christians, Jews or others, your kids are likely to reject your attitude. However, some will get entrenched in the conservative ideals, and find it difficult to live with the society at large, what a shame!


The question to ponder is this: Do we like Christian, Jewish or Hindu bigots? If we don't, then let our kids be not seen as bigots to the Christian, Jewish, Hindu and other groups. We are all guilty of bigotry.

What did the prophet say? Think for your brother what you think for yourselves, he did not say "Muslim" brothers, nor would he have said that, as he was the Rahmatul Aalameen (mercy to mankind). We have a choice to constrict him to Muslimeen or accept and give due value for being Rahmatul Aalameen and live up to the ideals of Aalameen (universality).  

40% of Muslims (near similar percentage holds good for Jewish, Christian, Hindu and others) marry outside their faith and this will continue to increase, the solution is not distancing from them, but being open to them. Whether you like it or not, it is their life and they are going to marry the ones they are in love with.  I have known many parents who boast raising their child with perfect values (obedient) and that he or she will marry the spouse of their choice and it does happen and works well as well, but they are subject to the same rules as others. 
The bigger part of Muslim singles are women over 40 – nearly half of Muslim single women are over 40 and they rightfully don’t want to marry another guy without knowing him – but how? Every man she talks with feels he is entitled to her,  shame on men and their culture for their stinky attitude. No one is entitled, they have to earn the relationship. The Muslims women I have talked to resent men's attitudes,  and hate talking to another Muslim (same with Hindus) Man for a relationship.
I looked up several matrimonial ads, and an overwhelming majority of women (over 50) have checked no religious preference in the box provided, and even go on to say that they are not religious. Many have marked spirituality instead of Islam or Hinduism. Mind you they are not advertising in Hindu or Muslim exclusive matrimonials, they are reaching the generic meeting singles places.  Many women have remained single for a very long time. Why should they?

We may not like our women folk to marry outside, but it is a crime to cause them to remain single because of our societal pulls. It is the God given right of woman to live a happy life with a man of her choice, and she needs to have that choice. We need not be a pain to them, if they bring in a friend from other races or faiths to a gathering, we should treat it as a normal social relationship, and not spend imaging things up. We should be accepting them, we should be happy for them to have made that effort.

For those who are ready to stick the religion in your face, believe me, the lady has tried all avenues and finally had made that choice. As a reminder, individuals are responsible for their actions on the Day of Judgment and not anyone else. She is the one who has to live with the right man and she must explore all the options.

God is merciful, that is your God, my God and every one's God, and he loves those of us who care for his creation. Per the Islamic tradition, stories abound where a sinner would feed a hungry dog, or quench a thirsty cat and God graces him or her with his bounty, and forgives their sins for that act of kindness. Marrying outside is not a sin, it would be a sin to live in hopes of a life together, but not finding one.

What are your other choices?
Mike Ghouse is an interfaith marriage minister and a speaker on Islam, pluralism, interfaith, multicultural and future societies.  www.MikeGhouse.net

Religious Double Standards Leave Many Muslims Single
By Naomi Schaefer Riley
WeNews guest author
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Sex segregation can also make it hard for Muslim youth to get to know each other, leading to higher interfaith marriages, says a marriage counselor in this excerpt from Naomi Schaefer Riley's "'Til Faith Do Us Part."
(WOMENSENEWS)-- Munira Ezzeldine, a marriage counselor in Irvine, Calif., who is one of the instructors of a premarital course, tells me that Islam in America is at a "kind of crossroads now."
She explains, "We don't have something called dating in the Western context, you know with pre-marital sex and all the stuff that comes with it." But young Muslims are also not interested in having arranged marriages as their parents and grandparents did. "They actually want to get to know the person for a certain amount of time, but also within the boundaries."
Description: http://www.powells.com/bookcovers/9780199873746.jpgIf a young Muslim is aiming for this kind of compromise, there are other resources too. Ezzeldine, who wrote a short book called "Before the Wedding: Questions for Muslims to Ask Before Getting Married," tries to offer her coreligionists a way of getting to know each other without violating the standards of the faith. Ezzeldine wants Muslims to have "the conversations to get to know somebody for marriage in a way" that is more than superficial. Right now they often just say, "Oh I think we get along," but they don't know "what you need to know about a person" before you marry him or her. She also notes that families in the Muslim community have wildly different expectations of religious life and marriage so it is important for everyone to be on the same page.
Interestingly, the lack of communication between Muslim men and women before marriage noted by many Muslim leaders is actually part of a larger problem that Ezzeldine believes is resulting in more interfaith matches. Ezzeldine suggests that the Muslim community's standards for interacting with members of the opposite sex are actually having a deleterious effect on marriage in the community. It is often easier for a Muslim to meet a non-Muslim of the opposite sex--in school for instance--than for a Muslim to meet another Muslim in a religiously sanctioned setting because Muslim prayer and religious education are all segregated by sex.
'Wakeup Call'
Ezzeldine says that the high interfaith marriage rates should be a "wakeup call" for the community. She thinks Muslims are "making it so hard for our young people to get to know each other at the mosque or any youth groups or Muslim Student Associations, and then you end up tying their hands and then they end up getting to know [a non-Muslim] really well and befriend somebody in a class or at work. Then of course they are going to make a connection and get married."
Even though such marriages are religiously sanctioned when they involve a Muslim man and a Jewish or Christian woman, Ezzeldine still thinks these interfaith marriages are creating problems for the community. She believes that the theological justification for allowing men to marry non-Muslim women has been rendered moot by the sociological realities of life in America. "The way it is presented is that the Muslim man is the one who is supposed to keep the faith in that family . . . He's responsible for the children to get educated within the faith . . . ." Ezzeldine says that's not what she witnesses in her community and others she has visited. "The reality is, the woman is the one who is teaching the children, and you know, influencing that family and the faith that they follow."
In addition to the fact that the children of such marriages are not being raised in the Muslim faith, there are other difficulties that have been generated by the double religious standards for men and women. The number of men marrying out has actually created a severe gender imbalance, leaving many Muslim women without partners. In other words, the religiously sanctioned intermarriages are forcing more religiously forbidden intermarriages.
In a 2011 article in the Guardian, Syma Mohammed reported on the imbalance at the Muslim matchmaking events she attends in England, where there are sometimes as many as five women for every man. She writes, "Nearly all Muslim singles events are female-dominated, unless organizers artificially construct a level playing field by selling equal numbers of male and female tickets."
Lack of Equal Partners
Shortly after Mohammed's piece appeared, the American Muslim physician Qanta Ahmed made similar observations in a USA Today op-ed: "Muslim women living in non-Muslim majority nations frequently lack intellectually and professionally equal Muslim partners. Instead we are eschewed by our male Muslim counterparts for younger, less career-advanced Muslim women, often from countries of parental heritage. These forces drive Muslim women to either select suitable marriage partners from outside the faith or face unremitting spinsterhood."
There are two potential solutions to this crisis: The first is to allow Muslim women to marry out as well, something that Ahmed advocates in the name of gender equality. She says women should be able to make their own decisions in this regard, that they should be guided by the principles of ijtihad, which allows Muslims to interpret religious texts according to their own judgments. This view has been presented most forcefully by Imam Khaleel Mohammed, a professor of religion at San Diego State University. He says that the only reason that the Quran does not allow Muslim women to marry non-Muslim men is the concern that a man's religion would always become the dominant one. But in 21st-century America, with our sense of sexual equality, this should not be a problem.
Even religious leaders who are sympathetic to this argument and are willing to support a less literal interpretation of the Quran may not find themselves in agreement with Imam Mohammed or Ahmed. Rather, they may see the strong religious influence that mothers have over their children in America as a reason to prohibit interfaith marriage across the board. If women here are so "equal" that the child of an interfaith marriage is more than twice as likely to adopt his mother's faith as his father's, then why should religious authorities trust that a Muslim man married to a Christian woman will end up with Muslim children?
Reprinted from "'Til Faith Do US Part" by Naomi Schaefer Riley with permission from Oxford University Press USA. Copyright © 2013 by Naomi Schaefer Riley.
Naomi Schaefer Riley is a former Wall Street Journal editor and writer whose work focuses on higher education, religion, philanthropy and culture. She is the author of "God on the Quad" and "The Faculty Lounges."
For More Information:
Buy the Book, "Til Faith Do Us Part: How Interfaith Marriage Is Transforming America":
http://www.powells.com/partner/34289/biblio/9780199873746?p_ti